A Blog That No One Reads

The good thing about having a blog that no one reads is that I can type whatever I want without worrying that someone will think I'm crazy. (I am crazy) Right now, this is what is going on in my life. I am the mom of five great kids. I really love them, ALL of them. Including Indi. I have so much compassion for her. She has been through so much in her short life. I wish I knew the best way to parent and love her. I want to give her what she needs, I just have no idea how to do that.
The next part of my life I have decided to work on is my weight. Yes, as shocking as this may sound to some, I know I am fat. I have been for years. I miss being able to run, hike, swim and do all the other enjoyable skinny people activities. So I have decided I am going to do something about it. I am going to lose weight. It sounds like a simple statement but it's not. I have tried many times before with very little success. The difference between this attempt and other attempts is that I am going to give myself time. I am going to give myself at least a year. With other tries I have given myself only weeks. I am going to make little changes like giving up soda. I know I have done that before but I have never replace it with anything. I am replacing it with water, a lot of water. I am putting myself out there, on display for the world to see (if they choose to read my blog). So good luck to me and my goals to make life better for me and my family. Blogger Out.

CONSISTENCY

Alright, I haven't been very consistent with Indi this morning and it is showing. I get a little laxed in my effort to keep her by my side and she starts being bossy and getting into thing. I talked to her family therapist who told me I was doing a good thing and to keep it up. Easier said than done. I hope some day I see a difference.

Tired

For the past few days I have had Indi by my side. All day every day. Except for the one day I told her that as long as she didn't hurt the other kids she could go play. That lasted a couple of hours. Now she is back by my side. I really don't know what else to do. I don't think this is fun for either one of us. Having resources is great, but the actual work is really hard. I hope some day soon, like tomorrow, I will have the patience to really help Indi.

Definition of Adapting

Adapt means to adjust oneself to different conditions. Our family is going through a huge adjustment right now and I don't think it is easy for any of us. I don't mean to sound arrogant, but I think the key to our success will be determined by my ability to adapt to our new situation. I am the mother and I have noticed (especially lately) that my kids look to me on how to react when things are changing.

This is especially true when dealing with Indi. I noticed that when I am impatient with Indi the boys are too. When I am loving and thoughtful with Indi, the boy try harder to be the same why. I know I need to be calm and patient for Indi's sake, but I also need to do it for the boys.

Now I am changing the subject. Thanks to my friend Shally, I have found so many resources to help me parent a child with trauma and attachment issues. It is so comforting to know that others are experiencing the same thing. I love Indi and I am so grateful that she is a part of our family. I have hope for her future knowing there are resources for me to turn to in order to help her feel safe and that is an important part of our family.

Strugglilng

As I start to write yet another common post on my blog, I try to think of way to sound eloquent. To write words that people want to absorb into their very soul and have the desire to come back for more. But that is not what is on my mind, especially not today. JR's sister Rhonda came to town and put in hours and hours of work to turn JR's mom house into a home. She was on the home stretch when time ran out and she had to fly back to Oregon. The past week all I have wanted to do was to help. I am willing to put in the work but I am a package deal. I come with five kids and a limited amount of time. This has been very discouraging for me. I also wanted to help my neighbor work in her yard before her son gets home from his mission tomorrow.

My pack and I usually become more of a hindrance than a help so I have come to the conclusion that my place is definitely in the home. Not just any home, but our home. The chaos that erupts when we leave is traumatic for all. Everyone wants to pitch in and help which could be a good lesson for kids to learn but, by the time we are done helping there is more mess than there was to begin with.

Ya know the saying there is a time and season for everything... well this is the season of only doing activities that will decrease the chaos instead creating more. Parks...good... swimming... good. Construction and painting...bad. Now I know my limits and I am willing to stick to them.

Someday I will have the time to move out of my circle of chaos but I think that will be years in the future when my kids are older and my house is clean (ha ha). For now I will love and teach my children in a contained environment that will allow me to focus on their well being and cause the least amount of pain to others.

New Girls

Ok so I am a little behind in posting on my blog, but after reading other blogs I think I need to be a little more consistent. So here is the update... As we anxiously awaited at the Salt Lake air port March 12, two little girls arrived from Tennessee to become part of our family forever. I know the girls weren't exactly what I expected and apparently I wasn't what they expected either.
Indi was a blond haired, green eye, little ball of energy. And Sara was a very shy, tall, skinny two year old. They clung to their uncle with uncertainty and we walked to the van to make the drive to their new home. Indi commented that she thought I would be skinny like her other mom. Sara stayed quiet with her eyes wide in tense observation. The boys tried hard to be on their best behavior, which lasted about a day.
Since that first day of anxious energy, things have become more relaxed and familiar to everyone. There are tantrums and fighting with a mixture of hugs and kisses from everyone. The love for the girls didn't come instantly, it grew slowly and has blossomed into a very protective and sincere kind of love. I look forward to the day the adoption is final and we can be sealed to them for eternity.
Needless to say the past couple of months have been busy and time to do hobbies has become almost extinct. Now my time is up, JR is home and the kids are hungry.

Obituaries

Do you ever read the obituaries and think, "I need to be a better person." I do. I read this obituary tonight of a 25 year old man that had cancer and had accomplished some amazing things in his short life. I think of my accomplishments, and there are a couple of them, and I know I am capable of so much more. The person I want to be and the person I am today are not the same. I have a lot of work to do and it is time I quit messing around on facebook and get started being the person I could be instead of the person I am.

Family News

Dallin Nevaeh and Mickelle made it safely to Georgia and they are doing well. I really appriciate Aunt Brenda for making the transition so easy and welcoming us into her home. I miss the kids and want to call all the time but I know they need time to settle into thier new life. We do have our own new additions to our house. Indi who is 5 and Sara who is 2 came into our lives Saturday. It has been fun having little girls again. We decided to have them call us mom and dad right off the bat because we are planning on adopting them in six months. They get along well with the boys. Sara is into everything, I feel like I chase her around all day keeping her out of drawers and cabinets and anything else she can get into. We got Indi into school and I think she is doing ok, I still need to call her teacher and see how she is doing. Indi came with a lot of information about bad behaviors so I keep waiting for something to happen and so far she had been good, maybe when she becomes more comfortable we will see some behavior issues but for now I am just going to enjoy the sweet little girl that has joined our family.

Foster kids are leaving

I have so many mixed feeling right now. Dallin Nevaeh and Mickelle are going to Georgia Friday. I have to ship all thier toys and cloths, get ready for 5 hours of flying, pack up my kids to grandma and grandpa T's house, go to one more doctor appointment for Mickelle, one more visitation for the parents, parent teacher conferences tommorow, and I think that is it. Mixed in with all of this are the emotions of sending the away after loving them for six months. I talked to a lady at church who said it wasn't hard for her when her foster kids left. Some days I look foreward to the break and other days I don't know what I am going to do without them. I am also worried about taking care of 3 kids on an airplane. It' a good thing JR and the kids aunt Jen are going too. I am sure it will all work out ok, it is just the process of getting there is a little stressful.

pictures

We went to the park and I took some pictures of the kids. Dallin is 6, Nevaeh is 4 and Mickelle is 19 months. Anthony will be 11 in January ( I can hardly believe it!), Isaac is 8 and is getting baptized in Dec., and AJ is 6. That is the crew!

Another day

The kids had visitation today. I think visitation is hard on everyone. The kids get to have one hour a week of undivided attention from thier parents. I think it can be so confusing for them. Dalllin seem so angry after. He whines and cries and I know he doesn't understand why he can't go home. The parents only have one hour a week to spend with thier kids which I think would be really hard. I don't know how much they care though. Today the mom showed up 10 minutes before visitation ended. I get frustrated that they are always late and make up lame excuses to not spend time with thier kids. Sometimes I feel like everything they say is a lie and I just want to yell at them. I have become a protective mother and I would do anything to take the confusion and hurt away. I know, I am whiney too. Wednesdays are just disruptive for everyone.
On the brighter side of life, I went to parent teacher conference today and all the kids are doing well in school. Especially Anthony, he is really having a good year so far.

Bad Day

I feel bad when I loose my temper with the kids. I yelled so much today I was scared of me. I think I need to take a parenting class because I haven't figured it out on my own over the past 10 plus years. It's the constant "he's touching me" or "he's looking at me" or "I get to be first" or "I had that first" or... all day long that really gets to me. And it is worse when we are in public or I am on the phone. I know there are people going through hard times and I am so blessed to have the six fighting kids that I have and I love them. I always wonder how President Hinkley's wife never yelled at her kids. What was her secret? I would really like to know. I want to be a better mom. Now I have to finish putting the groceries away and do another load of laundry before I go to bed. I will try to be better tommorow.

Foster Kids

I didn't have to wait long to become a foster mom to 3 kids. They are good kids but doubling our family has been a huge challenge. Laundry is insane, I never make anything that everyone likes, and it takes two hours to get everyone bathed and ready for bed at night. I do get a lot of hugs and the kids play pretty well together. I feel for the mom and dad. I hope they get thier lives together and can become a family again. I don't know how long we will have the kids for so I just take it a day at a time, some are good, some are not so good, so we just keep plugging along.

Time to Post

We had a licensor inspect our home Monday and approve us to foster up to 3 kids. I am so excited and scared to death. I am afraid of the unknown, what problems the kids will have, how my kids are going to react, will I be able to handle it all...I guess I will find out soon enough.

more pictures

Happy Birthday To ME!

I got a new camera for my birthday so I can post pictures. Here are a few random pictures that I took

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Anthony turned ten last week and Isaac went to a baptism preview on Sunday. How did my babies get so big SO fast? There really isn't anything new, a lot of homework and refereeing wrestling matches between brothers. Other than that life has been uneventful for the most part, whih is fine with me.

Black

I colored my hair black and when people see me they say "oh you colored your hair black..." that's it, the end. So what does that mean? You know that sisters are painfully honest so I asked Tracey what that meant. She replied "well I'm just used to seeing you blonde." What does that mean? The thing is that my hair is what it is and to undo BLACK is not going to happen. So my new plan is to smile and pretend my hair is blonde and when someone says "oh you colored your hair black..." I will cleverly reply, "you must be thinking about someone else." Then THeY will be left thinking "what does that mean?" ha ha.

Sittng on my couch

I am sitting on my couch reading blogs and thinking about vacumming. My life is a fine line between struggler and making it through the day without adventure. But I was thinking, that is probably what I am missing is the adventure of struggling. So yesterday I fell off my fine line into strugglerhood. I had to run some errands so I walked outside to my fine looking minivan and tried to start it. Of course, being the struggler that I am, I left the lights on the night before and the battery was dead. dang. Not a problem, I took JR's little 2 wheel drive truck...in the snow... and headed out. My first destination was the hospital to get some blood drawn for my disease of the week. I finally got called in the registration area and the lady said "did you fast for 12 hours?" Oh man! I forgot to fast!
So on to my next destination, the phsychiatrist to pick up some medicine and get a perscription. After I slid through the parking lot barley missing a few cars, I go to the office and the receptionist tells me the doctor just went into an appoinment and will be out in an hour and a half! wow that must have been some appointment. dang. So I leave and head to my final stop, the pharmacy.
The pharmacist saw me walk up and said you must be Kimberly Adams." I thought how amazing that she would remeber me!" But she had just filled a perscription for me. She tells the the cost and I realized I had forgot my debit card! dang dang! I go out to my car and find a check book with one check in it! It is my lucky day! Ya see it all worked out in the end... sort of...I had to go today and get my labs done but every day is a new adventure.

Christmas Time!

It's time to dig out the tree and the decorations...To psych myself up and make it magical for my kids. Kids are the best part of Christmas, they are the innocence that bring out the purity of the holiday. I love looking at the excitement in my kids eyes when they see the lights on the houses or when we decorate the tree. It makes it worth the noise and chaos of Christmas morning when they open their presents and there is paper and toys everywhere. Every year I try to emphasize the Savior's birth as the reason for our celebration and I hope they internalize the sacred nature of the holiday and remember the real reason for our celebration.